I'm hoping the nail of my right middle finger hangs on!
Just a battle scar from KICKING CANCER'S BUTT!!!
Yup, done with chemo, and the big tumor has shrunk down to nothing... still got some interductal calcifications, and those are all coming out with the surgery next month -- and any little other tricky little cells should be utterly demolished by the radiation therapy to begin in a couple of months...!
Oh, and here's why the port catheter is my new best friend -- when they try to use my tissue paper veins, they do like this:
So I am really and truly grateful for that awesome port catheter.
Went through all the bone scans, cat scans, mammograms, and MRIs, and the fantastical incredible amazing wonderful spendid spectacular news is: all seems well! No cancer anywhere but very localized in the breast, and so be happy be happy be happy!!!!
It's weird how hard it is to be happy.... I feel as if the last chemo really took the last bit of oomph out of me, I'm brave and grim and strong, but I don't know how to be just plain old happy. I have a superstitious feeling that if I let go, and feel happy, I'll let down my guard and cancer will sneak in again. I've been fighting and hanging on, and yes there is more scary stuff, icky stuff to come -- I hate the idea of surgery, ug, and of course radiation -- well, it can sort of burn your skin... and just when I found out I get to keep basically all of my breast and sensation, and etc., just today I read that I may have reduced sensation on the skin and nipple area caused by radiation. Just today! I mean, see what I mean? You can't just be happy, and like "phew!" cuz it's always something else.
OK, now I am being incredibly unappreciative, right? I should only care about living. Right? Not sensations or appearance, or even function. Well, I think I must be very shallow or greedy or something, because I want more, I want what I had before all of this.
Where's that magic bus?
I need to hitch a ride on a moonbeam................
Well, yes, you're right that you need to stay positive, cause the cells in your body live and breathe on oxygen, and oxygen comes much bigger and better through a happy mouth. But you're allowed to have all those feelings, it's part of the process of grieving for your healthy body, for the experience of not knowing what it's like to have cancer, for the bruises on your arm and the nails so brittle as if to say, "we've had enough, we could use a vacation now, thank you very much." It is a battle, Ruth and no one smiles their way through battles. There's blood, and loss and a complete realization of the uglier side of life. And when all of it's over, you get to try to find the beautiful, sweet parts of life that keep you going. And you're really, really good at that. I have no doubt that you're true, beautiful, natural smile is just a fortnight and then some away. Hang in there and remember this because you're building your tower of gratitude. When I go through a rough part in my life, I know that you'll be a light for me, having come through it yourself. Sometimes I think God makes us weak so that we can become really strong and lend our hand to others. Love you, Friend. Hang in there, the moonbeam is on its way...in light years, too. That's super fast. Or am I confused? Is it the other way around. ha ha...I didn't always pay attention in astronomy class.
ReplyDeleteI love you, Kristin! Your comment uplifted me when I read it the first time, and it did again today! Life is a journey, for sure, and I'm so happy to have you to travel with, and at least some of the time on moonbeams of imagination and love!
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