These thoughts are near and dear to my heart; please let me know how they strike your own!
Christmas and Other Holidays
Past — Present —
Future
Christmas (which is my holiday) and other wintertime holidays
can be a joyful and love-filled time, but this can also be a difficult time. And
that contrast, between what we think we should feel—joy!—and the mixture of
intense feelings we actually experience, can make those sadder emotions we
might feel painfully poignant. Denying the bittersweet elements of the
holidays, though, coupled with the idea that those feelings are wrong, that we
should be in a busy tizzy of bliss, can make us feel disconnected, ambivalent,
and bad about ourselves, and not only that, our denied and excluded feelings can
sneak up on us and surprise us, because they really don’t want to be left out
or ignored. Those feelings have a life of their own, and they demand our
attention.
During this holiday season, more than any other time of the
year, we feel the past-present-and-future blended together intensely. Time has
a different sense to it as the year ends, it’s more permeable, and our past
experiences and our future dreams feel vivid and very much with us. We remember
and miss times that are gone, people we have lost or who are far away, places
we’ve left, and even our best and happiest memories can feel nostalgic or even
deeply sad when we view them as gone from us, as losses, as things we’ll never
have again. And in that way and others, we feel the future more powerfully than
at other times, especially as we think of the new year, and we may wonder what
will be missing then, whether we’ll live up to our own and others’ expectations
of us then or ever, and all together, this pressure of sadness, of past,
present, and potential loss, can make the holidays pretty blue. But denying
them is not usually the best answer.
Recognizing that this is a powerfully poignant period and
embracing our past-present-future Christmas, Chanukah, New Years, we can stop
running from those bad feelings and turn around and give them the hug they need.
Rather than trying to avoid thinking of those we miss, we can include them and
feel their loving presence in real and meaningful ways. Instead of being angry
or feeling judged when old traditions and expectations seem to be wagging a
finger at us, telling us we are letting them down, we can take that hand and
invite those expectations to dance with us in new ways that make sense and have
meaning for us in the present. —How do
we do that?
Let’s start with the toughest one first: Loss of a loved one.
I want to invite you to consider this: We never really lose anyone or anything
important to us. The relationships we have continue forever, even when the
other person is not with us physically. Whenever we tell a story to someone
about our mother, our grandfather, our friend, we are introducing that person
and sharing that relationship, whether that person is here on Earth or not.
When we see a photo or hold an object that belonged to them or engage in doing
something that we used to do with them, how do we feel? Yes, there can be a
sense of loss, but there is also a profound sense of connection, especially if
we realize that that relationship is never gone from us, it lives in us and
with us always. Rather than turning away from such memories at the first
twinge, consider embracing them and inviting them to be with you, especially at
such times as this when the past seems especially strong. Feel the love and
pleasure of that relationship. Engage in activities that make the relationship
feel more treasured, more tangible. Embrace it courageously and joyfully. And
realize, again, that it will be with you always. And share this relationship
with others—and bring those relationships into the present and future—which I’m
going to talk about more in a moment.
There’s also loss of a certain time; things are different now. This can be a loss almost as
intensely felt as the loss of a loved one. But in the same way, we can
recognize and fully embrace the fact that we never lose these things; they are
an everlasting part of us. This time of year is a wonderful opportunity to
share these memories and bring them alive for others, to enrich their
experiences and enhance your appreciation and gratitude. And to tie them into
visions of the future, what we hope for, what we will create.
So how do we do this? The best ways I know are through Stories
and Rituals. By sharing our memories and relationships through stories and
rituals, we bring them forward and pay them forward by gifting them to others. Creating
and sharing from a heart-based perspective that is confident and knows that we
should be embracing ALL of our feelings, that a plethora of emotions is ok,
normal, and good; Sharing and connecting; Making old traditions our own,
breathing life into them and giving them purpose and meaning through our focused
energy and attention, and bringing them fully into the present, and through the
present sharing, into the future.
Stories and rituals. Powerful stuff.
I’m going to tell you the story of two people I never met:
my father’s mother’s father and mother. I never met them, but their story is
very important to me, and through this story, although they died long before I
was born, I feel I know them. In the early part of the last century, my
great-grandfather was a wildcatter in Texas. These were men who risked
everything, life and fortune, in the hopes of striking it rich. My
great-grandfather, they used to say, had oil in his blood, and indeed he did
strike oil many times, he had a knack for it, it seemed, but only, time and
again, to sink that fortune into another venture, where like as not he lost it
all, only to return to the fields to do it all over again.
During one such venture, there was a terrible explosion and
fire, and my great-grandfather’s eyes were burned, and he spent some months in
a hospital with his eyes bandaged, in the terrible state of not knowing whether
he’d ever see again. The nurses were nuns and novitiates, nuns who have not yet
taken their final vows. During this time of darkness and despair, there was one
voice that awakened his heart as she sang softly while she tended the ill— “the
voice of a nightingale!” he said, and a woman of great sweetness and care, a
young novitiate. Indeed, he fell in love with that presence, that voice, but he
kept his love unspoken, because he believed a blind man would be unable to care
for a wife and had no business speaking to a woman in that way. Eventually, the
day came for his bandages to be removed from his eyes, and he would know. The young
woman with the nightingale voice was there as they removed the bandages—how
could she not be?—and he was able to see his love for the first time. He
immediately, the story goes, proposed to her, and she happily accepted.
They later had two children, a son and a daughter, my
grandmother, who had her mother’s voice and sang opera on the stage, and her
son, my dad, also sang, and in college, that is how he met my mother. So, you
see, singing is literally part of who I am and why I’m here.
I wonder, do you feel that you know my father’s mother’s
father and mother, now, perhaps just a bit? My father used to tell us these
wonderful stories on Christmas Eve. He didn’t talk about his family the rest of
the year very much, but there was something about that night that made him
reflect and share a treasure trove of stories about family members whom I’ll
never meet on Earth.
I’ve shared this story because,... well, I think it’s a good
story, and maybe another time I’ll tell you the one about how my grandparents
met because she hit him with her car, luckily not going very fast. Or how my
other grandmother first laid eyes on my granddad while she was hanging upside
down in a tree, and why she knew that he was the love of her life one sentence
later.
I’ve also shared this story to illustrate this idea, this
principle to you that stories are a powerful way to connect with those we love,
to bridge from the past to the future. Realize that relationships live on
forever in us, and we can intensify and share valued memories to enrich
ourselves and those with whom we share them. Think about, right now: Whose
story might you share with others? With your children, with a friend,… You can make a commitment to do that this
holiday season.
Rituals are another powerful way to connect our
past-present-future seasons: old and new family traditions. Keep in mind these ideas
to consciously foster the spirit and meaning you intend and want to create, as
you think about the rituals and stories you want to enact and tell this holiday
season.
From the Past:
·
Consciously connect with people and times you
love.
·
Embrace nostalgia and remember old times, hold
onto both the sadness and the joy of it
·
Remember loved ones who aren’t with us, and
include them in your thoughts, acts, and words
·
Personal traditions—like seeing the lights on
Candy Cane Lane, caroling, playing old-fashioned games like charades, making
ornaments, baking, decorating, telling stories
In the Present:
·
Feel the joy of the season, be present, be
aware, be receptive to what is here
·
Consider family traditions and how they speak to
connection and identity today
·
Incorporate familiar family recipes, photos, music,
decorations—savor what they mean to you
·
Something old, something new—bring the past
forward, make it current and present
·
Introduce children to family stories and rituals
·
Live up to personal expectations—but only the
ones you choose
·
Practice mindfulness and being fully present
Toward the Future
·
Pay it forward, share stories and rituals with
others to carry forward in their own lives
·
Express dreams and goals for the future, during
this time when possibilities can seem so real
·
Bring it all together this holiday season, with
awareness of the continuity of time
Most of all, recognize that past-present-and-future are
especially powerful during this season, and embrace that aspect of the holidays
for all it offers.
Make it yours, make it meaningful, and that will make it
magical.
My girls, Isy & Jenna, 2004
