Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Just color me ANGRY today

I am so angry right now.  I am having a hard time adjusting to this one.
I feel as if I've been brave, or at least persistent.  Showing up,
going through it, shitty thing after shitty thing.  And always with two
things in mind: 1) that I'm going to beat cancer, and 2) that this
treatment stuff would end, and that, despite scars and numbness and
pains that won't completely fade away, at least my strength, energy,
well-being, and my mind would recover, bounce back, and be back to
normal, or maybe better than ever.  And that the end to this ordeal is
going to be early next year, that I've just finished the worst of
things, and that the rest of this trial-trail would not be so bad.
So now I find out: tamoxifen is not so simple.  That I am likely to be
"fatigued" and stupid from it.  Especially so for women who have chemo
AND tamoxifen.

So even after I recover from the effects of radiation -- which by the
way, so far have been getting worse, not better, since my last
treatment -- I am still going to be sub-par, tired, and fricking DUMB

Tell me, how am I supposed to feel about THIS!!!

I am so angry, and part of that anger is that people tell you this
thing as if it's some small inconvenience.  Like a little rash.  When
it's my BRAIN, my THOUGHTS, my ABILITIES to function, to create, to be
someone in this world.  My whole role in life now is to be some sort
of pathetic patient, an ill person -- and all I get is to have some
sort of vegetable LIFE as a reward, and to want more, to expect more,
to DEMAND more is ridiculous and greedy.  It is surreal.